


before you dream, i think i found someone who wants me for me

by bothsexuals



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Insecurity & Reassurance, M/M, it's... a little sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24372928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bothsexuals/pseuds/bothsexuals
Summary: Troy loves all of Abed, unconditionally. So it breaks his heart a little when Abed asks whether he wishes he was different.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 35
Kudos: 350





	before you dream, i think i found someone who wants me for me

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was partly inspired by Oberhofer's "Me 4 Me", which gives it its title, as well as an actual line of dialogue. The other part was a deep-dive into my own insecurities, and subsequent projection of those onto Abed, 'cause I guess that's how I deal with things now. So, this is kind of weirdly personal for a fic about two adorable gays from a dumb show... isn't that nice? If it's too sad or not in character... well keep that shit to yourself, I'm clearly going through something here. But I hope you enjoy it.

“Do you wish I was different?” 

Troy opens his eyes. He had been about to doze off, the sweet comfort of Abed’s head on his chest and his arm over his stomach lulling him to sleep, but his boyfriend’s words woke him back up. 

“What?” he asks, his voice coming out a little scratchy. 

“Do you wish I wasn’t the way I am, at least a little bit? I know Jeff doesn’t like how much I talk about movies and TV, and Britta is always trying to get me to be closer to reality, and Annie wants me to be more emotionally aware. Shirley wishes I wasn’t a bisexual, muslim sinner, and Pierce pretty much hates everything about the person I am. What do _you_ wish you could change about me?” 

Troy feels his heart break at Abed’s words. Of course he would wonder about this. His whole life people have told him he should be different, more expressive, more compassionate, more down to earth. They’ve called him a weirdo, a robot, a computer. He's known this upsets Abed, it isn’t the first time they’ve talked about it; Troy has always been the one he goes to when Jeff hurts his feelings with some insensitive comment about how he doesn't have any, or Shirley and Annie scold him for not understanding some nuance of human emotion. He has always comforted him, told him there’s nothing wrong with the person he is, and it hasn't once crossed his mind that Abed might ever think he agrees with those things. 

He doesn’t, not in the slightest. He adores the person Abed is, loves how subtle his facial expressions are, how he reacts to things a moment later than others, gauging their reactions first; he loves how he seems to have a TV or movie reference for everything, how Troy can almost always lift his spirits by offering him a nice bowl of buttered noodles. There’s nothing about him he would change, nothing at all, especially since they'd had a long talk after the pillow war and aired all of their relationship’s dirty laundry- including their pent up romantic attraction towards each other. So it really hurts to know that the man he adores could even for a moment doubt the depth and purity of his love. 

“Nothing,” he replies, struggling to hold back the tears pricking his eyes, “absolutely nothing, Abed. You’re perfect.” 

“I’m not,” Abed candidly retorts, “no, one is. And certainly not me, I’m weird.”

“Weird isn’t the opposite of perfect,” Troy counters, “to me, it’s part of it. I love your weirdness. I love everything about you.” He presses a kiss to the top of Abed’s head, and holds him a little tighter. 

“Why?” Abed asks after a beat of silence, “I know I’m not easy to deal with.” 

“Abed…” Troy shifts so that Abed has to raise his head and look at him. His features are stoic as ever, but if one searched well enough- and Troy always does- they would be able to detect the thin veil of sadness draped over his eyes. “Where’s all this coming from?” 

“It’s always been there,” Abed replies, and Troy’s already shattered heart feels like it’s being stomped on. 

“Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” Troy earnestly tells him, cupping both of Abed’s cheeks with his hands, “and I love all of you, not just the easy parts. I would _never_ change anything about you.” 

“Nothing?” Abed questions. 

“I’d love for you not to have these doubts anymore,” Troy replies, “that’s the only thing. I wish you knew how worthy of love you are.”

Abed takes a deep, shaky breath; his eyes pierce into Troy’s, and Troy thinks he sees the faint glint of unshed tears in them. He lets the silence drag on as long as Abed needs it to, drawing soothing circles on his skin with his thumbs.

“That’s a really good line,” Abed says after a while. 

“It’s not a line, it’s the truth,” he replies, then kisses Abed, slow and full of intention. “You can use it in one of your movies, though,” he adds. 

"Thanks," Abed murmurs, then his expression shifts, and he looks as if he wants to say something, but can't quite find the right words. Troy patiently waits for him to. 

"I never thought I'd have this," he finally says, "this unconditional kind of love. I always thought it was for other people." 

Troy feels himself melt, drapes his arms around Abed, holds him as tight as he can. 

"It's for you," he whispers, "it's all for you." 

He feels Abed’s stiff body relax against his own, sighs as Abed’s arms make their way around his waist, grip his shirt as if holding on for dear life. 

“I don’t get it,” Abed mumbles against his shoulder, “you could love someone better.” 

Troy can’t hold back his tears any longer, not when the greatest person who has ever stepped into his life is doubting whether he’s deserving of his love, so he lets them pour, as quietly as he can so as not to alarm Abed. 

“There is no one better for me to love,” he brokenly whispers, “you’re all I never even knew I needed.” 

He pulls back to look him in the eyes, hoping Abed can read the honesty in his gaze. 

“I’m sorry about being so insecure,” Abed mutters. 

Troy boops his nose with a small smile. “Try again.” 

Abed lets out a sound between a laugh and a sigh. “Thank you for reassuring me,” he carefully rewords. 

“Anytime,” Troy says, and presses a kiss to Abed’s forehead as he caresses his cheek, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” Abed says, and lets his head fall back onto Troy’s chest.

Troy keeps his eyes open until he hears Abed’s breaths even out and soften. Only then does he allow his eyelids to flutter close, lets his hand stop stroking Abed’s hair and settle on his back instead, a warm reminder of his presence. He’s about to drift out of consciousness when Abed speaks again, his voice low and drowsy. 

“Wait, before you sleep-” he tilts his head slightly, and Troy’s eyes open again to meet Abed’s “- I think you’re the only one who wants me for me.”

“Then I’m the only one with a brain,” Troy mumbles, bringing his lips to Abed’s forehead for another comforting kiss, “you’re the best person ever.” 

“Thank you,” Abed whispers. 

“Thank _you_ ,” Troy replies, tightening his grip on Abed just a little, “now go to sleep, Annie’s gonna kill me if you look tired tomorrow.” 

Abed huffs out a quiet laugh and rests his head down again. Troy closes his eyes and brushes the exposed skin of Abed's arm with his fingers, tracing feathery, soothing shapes until he’s almost sure his boyfriend is asleep.

“I love you,” he whispers in the dark, because it’s true, because he feels it deep within his bones, as if he was born to do just this. 

“I love you,” he whispers again, because if he could, he would never stop saying those three words to Abed, would repeat them over and over, until it is impossible for him to have even the slightest doubt that they're true.

“I love you,” he whispers a third time, because no matter how much he says it, it will never be enough to express the intensity of what he feels in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Also, sorry? Okay, well, if you enjoyed it, pleave a comment and/or kudos, that do be making me happy.


End file.
